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you're so pretty when you're unfaithful to me.
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[16 Sep 2007|03:31am] |
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i sit in a public place, looking vacant, looking like a stereotypical blonde, while my head is fucking screaming. i need that. i need that acceptance into the realm of boring, naive, "never going to have it, never going to get it" girls. that's who i redeem on the surface, because i care not what anyone has to resurrect me with. i'm the reason, or maybe you're the reason they soak in their own blood. it's hydration that gives us stamina. i don't get it, why express forward motion with your paralyzed legs? i never got it.
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[16 Apr 2007|08:45pm] |
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at full speed, with sharp turns, only to emerge at a dead end, i am just like you.
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[26 Mar 2007|03:01am] |
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i cant fucking sleep; i cant fucking do anything. the things i do to myself, the things i don't do could dictate an entire country. i feel like a liar, a fuck up, and a communist. i think i just want a revolutionary, someone to bleed out my past mistakes. oh, ive got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key.
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[25 Mar 2007|11:04pm] |
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music |
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something i am ashamed of. |
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i remember lying to every person i ever said, "you are the only thing that slows me down" to. my only form of rehabilitation is sitting in a corner and just breathing in pollen. there IS something in the water. that is not a conspiracy theory; your government does not care what's in your heart, like i don't care what's in mine. my chosen path is a crime infested cesspool.
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[02 Mar 2007|07:43pm] |
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where have you gone, my faithless friend? did you get lost in the light? i thought that blast would help us see. where did we hide when the winds took us to a distant place? oh, they tried to make us burn for the nights we chose them over him. we're going to fight through the peacemakers and convince the world that the act is not acting at all. we're going to fall and land on our feet, on the crackled and damaged cement, we will walk proudly to our demise. we will fight for the throne and take control of all the smiles. we will laugh at the end. where have you gone, my faithful friend?
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[23 Feb 2007|10:38pm] |
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so i found you pounding at my door. if i had a voice, i'm sure it would sound something like yours.
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| people you love will turn their backs on you |
[18 Feb 2007|07:09pm] |
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0n a good day there's a sign of hope hanging from the refrigerator saying, "call me soon" on a bad day, we're all out of mustard and my hair needs to be trimmed and my contacts are too cloudy to see the details i so long for. i'm somewhere between the good and the bad, somewhere annoying and redundant, this place is cold and damp and a little dark and dry. the inside of my head is the equivalent to a newspaper stand in the middle of nowhere. i cause a million problems in my head because i can't sit still and just accept the way things are when they're just okay. someone once told me, "calm down, just let it happen." i wish i knew what they meant at that moment, cause nothing ever happened, they just blew up my entire point to the size of a billboard. sugar makes me sweet, but it helps me laugh, and i need to be perfect, for myself, but mostly for stranger, i would like to be a passing moment of "maybe, i should know her, but it's too late." as i walk as if i have somewhere more important to be, passing everything by. wonder about me, find yourself in me, forget about me. it'll stay perfect forever. while others are pounding and scratching at walls, i'll be sleeping soundly in my drug induced coma dreaming of how i wish i could be you trapped somewhere, become apart of the physical in chains and nooses, tainted and burnt up, you're a person, you're dead body proves that.
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[14 Feb 2007|10:32pm] |
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on a day full of chocolate kisses and not a single regret or thought of tackiness i wonder how i could continue walking without that skip in my step, as if my legs are merely a device to wander me away from something better than you. i miss you to the point of death.
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[12 Feb 2007|11:00pm] |
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i hope it caves into my soul and suffocates the bearers of fucking withstanding nature. your face is your armor, the smooth patches of skin protecting the scar, fucking up the rhyme and reason. so it went and now it's gone, now it's time to look at myself the way i'd never once think of seeing you - protective, stable, and just plain right.
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[06 Feb 2007|01:50am] |
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DAMN, I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER |
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if i could have a real conversation with someone, i'd have one with you.
that's for real
cause in my head your mind wanders in the same direction as mine
and i think we could crash into eachother
and it would be nice
i want my broken pieces to be mixed in with yours
so come on, let's go fall apart
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[30 Jan 2007|04:01pm] |
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i hate my life. i cant breathe, as we speak. i woke up wheezing this morning, so i couldn't sleep, then i tried walking to school, i got about 3 blocks before i realized the cold air was making it worse, which induced an anxiety attack because i couldn't keep walking, but i couldn't miss my history test and i needed to pick up mikey's book from the bookstore, and THAT made it 454645765x worse, which made me dizzy, i ended up turning around. i'm so upset, i actually studied for this quiz, now i get a zero, and i don't even have this email address to contact him. and when i tell my mom about this, she's going to force me to go to the doctor to get an inhaler, I DON'T LIKE DOCTORS, and they do not like me. i hate myself, my body always finds some way to fuck me over. i took 6 different allergy and cold pills, all it did was make me feel like a stoned person who did not inhale oxygen. i want to cry, i need to cry, i have nothing to cry about. this whole place is a fucking nightmare. fglkjfgkldthjglkhjgflkbmklbg
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[24 Jan 2007|03:15am] |
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"oh very young" CAT STEVENS |
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i'm into cat stevens right now
my life sucks
the boy i love won't look at me, or if he is, i can't tell, i don't have depth perception in my heart!!!11
and i obviously dont love him, i just think he's striking
as usual, they strike me down down down
sometimes i want to call you, but i know you won't be there.
my stomach kills me
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[19 Jan 2007|03:17am] |
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i like to speak in between heart beats, through your soul and out your mouth, a sure way to cause destruction to the lives around you. a flawless attempt to levitate in midair, never touching solid ground again. i think i hear doors opening and closing but all i see are walls bleeding through time, bleeding through my pride and heart felt attempts to sit quietly and rebuild my life. i buried you beneath a sea of cause and effect, you were neither in my death.
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[17 Jan 2007|05:00pm] |
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gwen stefani's musical career is the epitome of a murderous rampage, but she's still incredibly hot. i'm also incredibly ...it's a new adjective ..wait for it ...sullen, and i have to go to ADDICTION studies in an hour. i need to walk 5 miles, up hill, IN THE SNOW ...for real. my coat doesnt cover up my ass, i want ten more layers, i need to be thick, hard to the core. i fiend for you but all that results in is walking a long distance in 10 degree weather ...where did i go wrong?
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| sometimes you picture me, i'm walking too far ahead |
[13 Jan 2007|04:56am] |
SO it's like he's the only electrical current in the state ..or maybe in the whole world. and i just flicker and flicker until i burn out, because that's what happens to things that are outdated. i wonder if he's found someone new to lock eyes with and differentiate the good and evil in the world, and how isolation is their only hope, or how running away with only eachother in mind is the cure. that was my medicine for awhile, it aided my watery eyes and negitivity towards something i never cared to understand. i wonder, i wonder about his voice, if it's still the same, or if he chances his tones with the more drugs he does. i wonder if his life is a nightmare, and i wonder why i can't leave this alone, why does it run freely in my head? i bet he hides behind smiles, or something as equally fake. he's just a blurry image in my head now, i want to remember the lines in his face, i want to rememeber him. i'm a bad person for feeling this way, for cursing his acceptance of me not being in his life, i'm also a very stupid person for this, since he never accepted me into his life at all. F THIS.
"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door."
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[04 Jan 2007|08:24pm] |
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every time i see you falling, i get down on my knees and pray. new order sucked, they should've let that shit die when ian curtis killed himself. i'm drinking coffee, it tastes watered down since i make it entirely too strong most of the time, i need the jolt to the heart! i think i lack common understanding of relationships and boundaries. i either get way too close and not care or i don't look at you at all and not care. i wonder why i don't respect love, i respect the art of denial so much more. i don't have anything else to say except, you're terrifying ..you're shocking.
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| f this |
[02 Jan 2007|03:32am] |
people need to understand the status quo can't be changed in a split second. i am still the same person, and the world still revolves around the sun.
don't apologize 3 seconds after you yell at me.
i have realized the depth of my feelings for others is far less than my attachment to my jackie o poster and dvds. i just want it back. i want to reverse it all.
so love cuts the strings until i fall and fall right into a different life and a shiny, new heart replaces my pile of ashes, cause i'm burning the shit out of these bridges.
everything is not what it was intended to be. i am starting to regret every last second, as usual.
my emotions, my money, my laughter, my abilities, my morals, my heart beats ..they were all wasted.
and i'm the asshole.
if i told her who i really am, she wouldn't be so attached and "hurt" by me.
but she would break my TV. and talk shit about me in a town that is full of poisonous trash.
oh, yeah, i don't care about any of that, well, the only thing i care about that was mentioned in this entire thought process was my material possessions.
okay, so, he broke my heart and played me like a violin. god damnit.
i am just so mad at myself, for everything. i'm not good at being a righteous person, and i suck at being a corrupt one. everything just spins around and around in my head trying to be explicit, and i'm just so ambiguous and dizzy.
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[28 Dec 2006|09:07pm] |
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wtf, i just tried to go to livejournal.com and i got this - http://www.december.com/html/4/element/li.html ..i think i just discovered the secrets of the world. anyway, fuck you. im so angry! i don't know why, it's the concepts in my mind that make it hard to KILL A DREAM. i'm not eating, i'm drinking coffee, later i will be drinking rum, all to lose 5 pounds before new year's eve, not like it would make any difference. im' going to be very uncomfortable, i haven't seen any of these "people" in like 3 months, and i lose my ability to remember i know them after that long, and fuck it, god. my hair is too short, i'm going to get my period directly at midnight on new year's, i know it. my phone has like, rubber bearers around the front and back, like it's retarded and needs extra support on the playground. i'm being generic and listening to nirvana. and "hail to the thief" was a stupid fucking album by radiohead. i wish i had a red plaid tube dress to wear on new year's. i'm done with this shit.
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[23 Dec 2006|01:12pm] |
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i'm drinking lots of coffee, i haven't had water in like 3 days, and my urine is seriously neon orange, and i should be cleaning but i'm not because i'm listening to "ever fallen in love?" by the buzzcocks over and over again, because it's making me nostalgic about something i can't even remember, and i'm trying to think of what to say, but all i can think of is, "i need to stop being so repetitive," seriously, everything just goes back and forth and around and around and the sounds call for revenge, the sound rings from behind the wall, and it's the telephone, but the only thing on the other end is a recording. seriously what do you know about me? about an adjective less than i know about you. missing this and that reserves my right to point at you in a crowd full of people, and how i go after you with a hop, skip, and a jump, you make me forget i am paralyzed; you make me forget i know myself. you make me wish i had a room, a dream, and a thought that did not begin or end with you and your dead pan eyes. they freeze over the entire world as if you were a villain, i still need to work on realizing that 'as if' part. this is what we do once we are stuck in an open space, we rhyme and fall for the one who is 300 miles away and gaining speed. you are epic in your demise, you prolong it until the wrinkles take over your face, as if we could trace out the answer of our own morality. "why are we here?" i know now, i see your bruised and battered face. ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?
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